Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the little republic of San Marcos,
where we're going to bring you a live, on-the-spot assassination.
They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country
and replace him with a military dictatorship.
And everybody is about as excited and tense as can be.
The weather on this Sunday afternoon is perfect,
and if you've just joined us, we've seen a series of colorful riots
that started with the traditional bombing of the American Embassy,
a ritual as old as the city itself.
Following that, the leader of the Labor Union, Julio Doaz
was dragged from his home and beaten by an angry mob.
It was one of the most exciting spectacles I've ever seen.
We'll probably have a videotape replay of that later on.
All around there are colorful flags and hats.
And now the moment we've been waiting for is here. Everyone is getting quiet.
The President is going to leave his office and walk down the steps of the palace.
For that, we're going down on the playing area.
Take it away, Howard.
This is tremendous, Don. Just tremendous.
The atmosphere heavy, uncertain. Overtones of ugliness.
A reminder, in a way, of how it was in March of 1964 at Miami Beach,
when Clay met Liston for the first time
and nobody was certain how it would turn out.
The crowd is tense. They've been here since 10:00 this morning.
And I think I see the door beginning to open.
El Presidente may be coming out.
The door opens.
It's he. It's El Presidente.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Waving at the crowd.
(GUNSHOTS)
El Presidente runs!
He turns! He runs back toward the crowd!
And down!
It's over! It's all over for El Presidente!
This reporter is going to get to him, if he can, through this mob
for one last word before he expires.
As you can see, this crowd is not to be trifled with. They're in a frenzy.
They're trying to get over to El Presidente
even as I'm trying to do now.
Would you people let me through? This is American television.
American television. Please, let me through.
We're getting through now.
Here we are. Here we are.
Sir, you've been shot. When did you know it was all over?
Fascist, dictator.
Well, of course you're upset and that's understandable under the circumstances.
I guess now you'll have to announce your retirement.
Good luck to you, sir. Good luck to you.
And now, if you folks will bear with me for a moment,
I'm going to try and get in a word with the new dictator of San Marcos.
That's assuming I can get through this noisy and demonstrative crowd.
I wonder if you people would let me through.
I see the General off in the distance,
the new dictator, talking to one of his men.
Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.
General, congratulations.
General Emilio Molina Vargas.
General, a word from you, if you will, sir, for our viewers.
For many years I have waited for this day. But now I am the State.
You may say that, sir, but many important diplomats contend
that you remain the most hated man in the state.
I will shut down the newspapers.
I will train my soldiers. We'll find the rebels!
The rebels may be in the form of democratic guerrilla factions off in the hills.
No, sir. We'll find them. Don't worry.
Good luck to you, sir. Thank you, sir.
Well, you've heard it with your own eyes.
Now we're going to have to see what the future brings.
But right now, from the little dictatorship of San Marcos in Latin America,
let's go back to Jim McLane in our studios in New York.
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
Gentlemen, the Execusiser.
The latest work in progress at General Equipment.
It's only in the development stage at the moment,
but it should be practical and in the market within two years.
MAN: It certainly looks impressive.
The Execusiser is a device to help busy executives get their daily exercise
without ever pausing in their crowded work schedule.
As you well know, more Americans suffer heart attacks from lack of exercise.
And you know why? That's because there aren't enough hours in the day
to keep physically fit and still function effectively in one's business.
This is Mr. Fielding Mellish, one of our company's research testers
who will demonstrate the Execusiser.
You will notice, every part of the body receives an adequate exercise workout
with this machine.
The pedaling action develops the muscle and keeps the leg muscles flexible.
When the drawer is pulled out... When Mr. Mellish pulls the drawer out,
you'll see a weight that has to be lifted on top of the desk,
which exercises his arms and his back muscles.
You'll notice when he reaches for the telephone, they're both spring activated.
Now in that spring activation, both muscles in the biceps
are given adequate workout to sustain flexible arms.
And on the back wall you'll notice there's a handle for each arm.
As he pulls those handles, the back muscles are brought into action
in a manner that keeps the back flexible and keeps the back strong.
Notice the basketball slipping in from the side of the machine.
And the basketball, as they're handled by Mr. Mellish, develop reflexes.
You have any idea how many you can put out a year?
We'd like you to manufacture them. We can let you have the idea.
We can let you have our patents,
we can let you have the whole thing on a royalty basis.
We can show you how to build it and how to save money on a cost basis.
You think they'll sell? No question they'll sell.
Get them in the executives' offices, you can get them in the armed forces.
I'd like that. You'll do business with the United States government.
I'm not suited to this job.
Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me.
I should be working at a job that I have some kind of aptitude for.
Like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.
Every day we gotta hear this.
Why did I quit college? I could've been something today.
What would you have been if you'd have finished school?
I don't know. I was in the Black Studies program.
By now I could have been black.
Consistent loser at the table. That's my weakness. I lose a lot.
I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight.
Get a date. We'll double. Okay. I'll call Barbara.
All right. Have her bring a friend. Forget it.
What's the matter? I had a date.
She called it off. There's a dock strike.
Why don't you see what Norma's doing? She's always ready for action.
Who?
Thursday night. I gotta break the bank.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You, uh... You busy tonight?
Some old friends are coming over.
We're gonna show some pornographic movies.
You need an usher?
Oh!
You're cute. I'm busy.
I'll get a copy of Time magazine
and I think I'll take Commentary and the Saturday Review,
and let's see...
Newsweek.
Grab one of these.
I'll take 'em all.
Fifty, a dollar, a dollar and a quarter.
Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of Orgasm?
Just put 'em in a bag. What?
Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
I'm doing a sociological study on perversion.
I'm up to advanced child molesting.
(INAUDIBLE)
Come back, back, back. More, more, more.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hi. I'm collecting names on a petition
to request the United States government to break relations with San Marcos,
which is being ruled by a total military brutal dictatorship,
opposed to any concept of civil liberties.
Would you sign? Yes, sure.
Sorry. I broke the point. That's okay.
You wanna come in? I have a pencil. I'll give you another pencil.
I don't know if you've been following it in the newspapers,
but soon there's gonna be a revolution in San Marcos.
We feel that the United States should give full support to the rebels
and not to the dictatorship, which, as you know, has been our history.
May I ask, what do you do?
I'm a products tester for a large corporation.
I make sure products are safe and practical.
Today I tested an exercise machine
and an electrically warmed toilet seat for cold days.
Would you like some coffee or something?
If you're hungry, I could open a can of ribs if you want.
Ribs? I'd love some coffee, but I have a lot of work to do.
Here. I'll make you some. It'll take two seconds to make coffee.
How can I find out more about your cause? I have a lot of spare time.
Would you like to volunteer for the Volunteers for San Marcos?
Is it possible to discuss that over dinner tomorrow night?
It doesn't have to be tomorrow night. I'm wide open for the next six years.
Actually, I have a yoga class tomorrow night and I couldn't miss that.
Yoga. I love yoga.
Do you really? Yoga, it's one of my great passions.
I love Eastern philosophies.
It's metaphysical and redundant. Yes.
Abortively pedantic.
I know just what you mean. Thank you.
Have you ever read the I Ching?
Not the actual Ching itself, but I have dabbled in Kierkegaard.
Oh, of course, he's Danish.
He'd be the first to admit that.
You know, I was just saying to someone. Have you ever been to Denmark?
I've been to, yes, to the Vatican.
The Vatican? The Vatican's in Rome.
Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
I was just saying to someone that the Scandinavians
seem to have such an instinctive feel for the human condition.
That's very wise, you know? That's, I think, pithy.
Oh, well. It was pithy.
It had great pith.
Yeth, pith.
Pith...
Lithen, I have to...
"Listen". I have to go now. I have a lot of work to do.
I'd love to have coffee, but I don't have time. I have a lot of bells to ring.
I also have an early class. It'll just take a second.
I know, but I have more bells to ring and I have an early class tomorrow.
You're a student? Yeah, City College.
That's a great school. I ate in their cafeteria once.
Yeah. I got trichinosis.
I'm a philosophy major. That's a wonderful subject.
That's a wonderful thing. What is the meaning of life and death?
Why are we here and everything? You like Chinese food?
Yeah, that sounds... When?
The night after tomorrow? No, I can't.
I have a meeting of my women's liberation group.
You're not one of those... You don't have hostility to the male sex?
Women's rights do not automatically mean castration.
Don't say that word.
Now I gotta walk around like this for two days.
You know, I'm that way with the word "appendicitis."
But castration?
Castration, appendicitis either one.
There's a difference. No, there isn't.
What about Saturday?
Listen. Why don't you take my phone number.
And call me on...
Call me on Saturday, okay? It's those two pieces right there.
Okay? Bye.
I may be bombing an office building, but I'll find out.
It was nice to meet you. Nice meeting you, too.
Wait. You forgot to sign my petition.
Sorry.
Ah, Nancy, you may call me Fielding.
I think Mr. Mellish is a little formal.
(LAUGHS)
The two of us together.
Fielding from the Latin, meaning "strong" or "with strength."
You'll come to lean on that strength after a while
and to know that you can rely on me.
I've always been a great champion of the underdog.
I think anyone could tell you that, my pet.
(LAUGHING)
See, Nancy, I've always been devoted to humanity.
To a guy like me, the greatest crimes are the crimes against human dignity.
How was it, Mellish? Could you hear the music clearly?
This should be a great seller in California.
(INAUDIBLE)
Listen, Mellish, you wanna play poker tonight? We got room.
I can't. I got an appointment. What kind of appointment?
I'm gonna picket an embassy. What?
Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.
(PROTESTERS CLAMORING)
(SIRENS WAILING)
It's a little light.
I'll pull the shade.
Do you have any candles?
No. Why?
This light, this mood, it's not right.
That's too light.
Is it warm in here? Warm?
Warm.
Where's the bathroom?
The bathroom? Right there.
Leave a little air.
(COUGHING)
I love you. I love you.
Oh, say it in French. Please say it in French.
I don't know French. Oh, please?
What about Hebrew? Oh.
I was always very shy when it came to girls.
I remember when I was a little boy,
I went and stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille
and I used to rub the dirty parts.
I had a good relationship with my parents.
They very rarely...
I think they hit me once, actually, my whole childhood.
They started beating me on the 23rd of December 1942
and stopped beating me in the late spring of '44.
I was a nervous child.
I was a bed-wetter when I was younger.
I used to sleep with an electric blanket
and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
It's funny...
I have this dream that I've had since I was a child.
I had it again one night last week,
where I'm...
(INAUDIBLE)
I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it.
Oh, Fielding... Why? Is something the matter?
Have you seen X-rays of me?
(LAUGHS)
What? I saw X-rays of you.
I fail to see the humor of this.
Oh, you didn't see the X-rays.
Tell me what's the matter. Nothing. I just...
I'm worried. You know when your heart beats? My heart is beating.
I just don't think we should see each other anymore.
Really? Yeah.
I'm sorry. Why? What's the matter?
There's just something missing for me, and I don't know what.
What do you mean something? Something missing from me?
Yes. What do you mean? Like what?
Like...
Can you say what is missing from me? Well, no.
Maybe if you could guess a few things, I could try.
What do you mean? Can you say? Can you tell me? Something's missing.
Is it personality or looks or something like that?
Am I not smart enough? Is that what you're saying? No. No.
Because I'm not... It has nothing to do with height?
It has nothing to do with the fact that you're short
and it has nothing to do with the fact that you're not bright enough
and it has nothing to do with the fact that your teeth are in bad shape.
So, what, then? What could it... I don't understand.
Has it got to do with... It's not my personality.
Do you have fun when you're with me? No.
But it's not that. I mean, it's not that I don't have fun when I'm with you.
We laugh. We spend days... Don't tell me that we haven't laughed.
It's not that we haven't laughed. We've laughed a lot.
Certainly, I laugh a lot.
I can't put my finger on what it is. I'm just left laughing.
Something's missing. What's missing? Can you be specific?
The relationship isn't going anywhere. Where do you want it to go?
Where could we get it to go?
That's not... I don't know. I love you.
I love you and you love me. That's all.
And it's not because I don't love you. Then you love me?
No, I don't. That's what I mean.
But that's not the reason why. Just something is missing. I need a very strong man.
It's communication, right? Well, I'm strong.
I need a leader. I'm a leader. I'm perfect.
Don't you understand? I'm interested in so many vital political things.
Me, too. I wanna work with Pygmies in Africa.
I wanna work with lepers in a leper colony.
I'm willing to... It's perfectly okay.
I love leprosy, if that's what you're asking me.
I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera.
I like all the major skin diseases, so don't...
You're immature, Fielding. How am I immature?
Emotionally, sexually and intellectually.
Yeah, but what other ways?
Then maybe it's my fault.
Maybe I just can't give. What do you mean you can't give?
Then why don't you receive and I'll give? I'm not ready to receive.
Then you give and I'll receive. Well, I can't receive...
I'm a person who can only receive if another is giving.
I can't give. I'm sorry. If we each receive, it might work.
I can't receive. My trouble is I'm receiving and receiving
and I'm only not able to give or to receive.
But I would like to give, if only you could receive.
I can't receive. I don't know how I can help you.
FIELDING: See, if we both receive or both give...
I told you, I can't receive and I can't give.
It's not gonna work out. It's no use, Fielding.
I'm sorry. Goodbye.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Don't worry about me, sweetheart. I'm like a cat.
I'll always wind up on my feet.
(WHIMPERING)
Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her.
Who was she looking for, Hitler?
Women are very temperamental.
We went every place together, we did everything, we fell in love.
I fell in love. She just stood there.
Did you have trouble with her in bed? Are you kidding?
Do I look like the kind of guy that would have trouble in bed? (SCOFFS)
I didn't. I didn't.
Is that any reason to quit the job? I'm so depressed.
I'd kill myself if I thought that she would marry me.
What are you gonna do? I gotta get out of here.
I'm going down to San Marcos.
We were gonna go there together on a trip. We were gonna write a paper on it.
She was gonna write it. I was gonna type it.
I gotta see what conditions down there are like.
Jesus, life is so cruel.
See what I mean?
Hi, Mom, Dad. Fielding.
I don't mean to disturb you, but... Sponge.
I want to tell you that tomorrow I'm going to be going out of the country.
What? Why are you going out of the country now?
Leave him alone. It's a very long story. It has to do with a girl.
Martin, leave him alone. A girl?
What are you gonna do? I'm going to South America.
It's a little country called San Marcos.
I never heard of it, dear. Forceps.
Forceps, Ruth! Nice people there?
Nice? Well, they're...
It's a turbulent situation and I've been following it for a while...
Sure, you've been following it.
You should have stayed in school!
Don't get mad. I have a son down in South America.
Will you stay out of this, please? I'm sorry.
Ruth, don't talk to him about going away.
Talk to him about going to college, to become a doctor.
Who am I gonna leave this hospital to? Will you cool it, Martin?
Don't get on his back. I've been politically involved.
Dr. Mellish, you should let him have his own way.
I did that with my son. Ruth. We've been married 27 years.
My name isn't Martin, it's Al. Al Mellish, remember?
I wanted my son to be a great surgeon.
FIELDING: I have no aptitude for that. Yes, you do, son.
Listen to me, son. You can do this.
You can be a fine surgeon. Look, take over.
Give me a clamp. Quickly, give me a clamp.
Give me that. Here. Take this, Son.
It's silly. Finish this operation for me.
I can't. It's ridiculous.
Why are you forcing him? This is so ridiculous.
He might lose the patient. You know Fielding.
Sponge. Jesus. I'll finish this one, but...
That's better. I didn't even wash.
Put it in there. I've got it in there.
Now take a clamp and take it out. Should that be blue like that?
Where? Right there.
Fielding, go. Wait one second.
God bless you, but go. I'm doing the best I can.
And write us.
Nurse! Put your finger right there!
Fielding, get out of here. He's doing well.
Fielding, go. To South America tomorrow.
God bless you.
Go. I've gotta go.
You're really going? You're losing the patient.
Martin. Nurse. Please do.
Incidentally, do you think you could get me out of here by 7:00 tonight?
DR. MELLISH: I don't know. I'm going to the theater.
And now, as is our annual custom,
each citizen of San Marcos will come up here
and present His Excellency
with his weight in horse manure.
Horse manure? I thought they were diamonds.
We are an agrarian country. Yes, but horse manure?
It will fertilize your personal crops.
Sometimes food is more valuable than gold.
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
We captured this rebel soldier this morning, Excellency.
Has he given us any information about when they plan to strike?
Not yet, but he will when our men get through working him over.
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
We keep playing for him the entire score of Naughty Marietta.
It will make him talk. Please, no more.
I can't stand operetta. Please!
Talk, you fool, and we'll stop the phonograph.
I'll talk, I'll talk. But please turn it off. Please!
When is the revolution set for?
First week of July.
You are a liar. That's only two months away.
No! No.
Esposito is timing it to coincide with the American, Fourth of July,
so as to imitate his hero, George Washington.
Where does he get enough weaponry?
Esposito has a way of getting weapons, but I do not know the plan.
Time is getting short, but I have a plan.
(OPERATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
His Excellency, Emilio Molina Vargas
requests the pleasure of your company at dinner this evening.
What? Dinner at the palace, 8:00 p.m.
Dinner with Vargas?
Dinner with the President?
Dinner with the President.
(HARP PLAYING)
Oh, excuse me, senor.
I was trying to find someplace for practice.
Ah, senor Fielding.
This is Colonel Diaz and Lieutenant Arroyo.
Senor Fielding, may I say what a great pleasure it is
to entertain an American intellectual.
Somebody with whom I can exchange contemporary political ideas, opinions.
I brought you some cake. Thank you.
Oh, these are prunes. I like cherry.
They don't make cherry on Tuesday.
Senor Fielding, dinner is served. Will you please?
(SILENCE)
(GROANING)
Maybe some poison in my food, but I am okay.
I have been poisoned so many times, I have developed an immunity.
(CLINKING)
You are not tense, are you?
Tense? No.
(CRUNCHING)
Dinner was delicious. Thank you. Check, sir.
Who had the roast beef? MAN 1: I did.
That's 12.60. Who had the corned beef and cabbage here?
MAN 2: That was mine. I don't understand something.
There's two roast beefs on here.
What did you have? Chili con carne.
Well, there's an extra roast beef. I had only one roast beef.
There's one chili, there's two roast beefs... Who had the chili?
I had the chili. FIELDING: Are you on Diners Club?
You have Bank of America?
Yes. All right.
Here.
Let's go to the salon for a brandy.
Can you keep it down? I'm getting a headache.
And so, I want to do only what is right for my people.
That is, to protect them from communism.
I am sure you understand that.
FIELDING: But Esposito and his rebels are not communists. They are communists!
Fellas, I think I know a little bit about politics.
I'll pick it up. Excuse me.
If I've given a better life to my people,
I have to exterminate a few troublemakers.
That's the price we pay.
Yeah, well, I gotta be going. It's late for me.
It has been a real pleasure to have this little chat with you.
Thank you.
(ALL SALUTING IN SPANISH)
So sorry.
He's perfect. I could kill him now.
He brings cake for a group of people. He doesn't even bring an assortment.
You cannot forget that?
No, no. We'll kill him as planned, dressed as rebels.
Then an outraged United States
will see how bloodthirsty beasts Esposito and his men are
and we'll get all the support we need.
When can our men get the rebel uniforms? I spoke with the tailor.
He's going on vacation, and then he needs three days for the alterations.
Too long. We'll get another tailor.
But he does such nice work. Take a look at this jacket.
It was too big. He took it in for me.
And he doesn't even charge much.
No. We get another tailor.
I want it to look like the rebels kill him
not later than tomorrow afternoon.
Here he comes. I don't feel good in these clothes.
Neither do I. He made cuffs in my pants!
What kind of tailoring is this?
He's not our regular man. Do the best you can.
(ENGINE FALTERING)
(GUNSHOTS)
So long, suckers.
MAN 1: Wake up. Esposito wants to see you.
MAN 2: You all right? Hey, wake up.
Hey, you, wake up. Senor Fielding.
Esposito wants to see you.
Where am I?
Please, no more Polish women.
We are in the rebel camp with Esposito.
Blood. That should be on the inside.
Esposito wants to see you. Come on. Esposito tried to kill me.
It was Vargas that tried to kill you, but in the uniform of our people.
So your government would blame Esposito.
Come on.
I'm Fielding Mellish.
Vargas has told everyone that you are dead.
That we killed you.
It is in all the newspapers.
Well, I'm very much alive, and I mean to lodge a formal complaint.
A complaint?
You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen
without written permission from the State Department.
Vargas cares very little for diplomatic procedures, my friend.
We'll straighten him out. I'm afraid you cannot leave here.
What?
He uses you to make a big propaganda against us.
The one thing he doesn't want is for you to show up and tell the world the truth.
So, what do you think will happen if you show your face anyplace but here, hmm?
He will cut your throat and bury you.
Cut my throat? Do you realize what that will do to my gargling?
It is war, my friend.
But I'm an American citizen. Sure. A dead one.
Just how long will it be before I can go back to New York?
After we win the revolution, we are free.
And when is the revolution? Six months.
Six months? I got a rented car.
You have a chance to die for freedom.
Yes, well, freedom is wonderful.
On the other hand, if you're dead,
it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.
Are you such a sniveling dog?
Depends on what you mean by "such."
I'm a good-sized sniveling dog.
History sometimes chooses strange ways.
Today you are fearful.
Perhaps one day you will be a tiger.
Don't hold your breath. If you ever need a squirrel, call me.
All right, men. Let us sing the song of the rebels.
♫ Rebels are we Born to be free ♫
♫ Just like the fish in the sea ♫
I'll have the grapefruit sections, two poached eggs
cinnamon toast, regular coffee.
Perfect.
What the hell is this stuff, anyhow?
Lizard.
(INAUDIBLE)
(COUNTING IN SPANISH)
TRAINER: Camouflage can often save your life.
It's essential that you learn the art.
In the event of snake bite, you make an incision
and you suck out the poison.
Remember, you suck out the poison. What do you do?
Suck out the poison.
I will not... I cannot suck anybody's leg,
who I'm not engaged to.
Snake bite! I got bitten by a snake!
Help! Snake bite!
Our food has run out. We must make a raid on the town.
It would be very risky. You must not go.
It is too dangerous. ESPOSITO: I don't mind the risk.
Another will lead the raid, not our future president.
What about sending Fielding? Me?
The men have a growing respect for you.
It is a chance to prove yourself. I don't wanna prove anything.
You will fight a hero.
And if necessary, you will die a hero.
You better get some rest, Luis. You're beginning to talk gibberish.
The short straw will go.
Well, as long as it was fair.
(INAUDIBLE)
Yes? Coffee, please.
I also want something to go.
Do you have any grilled cheese sandwiches?
Yes, sir.
Let me have a thousand.
And, um...
Three hundred tuna fish
and 200 bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches.
You want the cheese on rye?
Four hundred and ninety on rye.
Let me have 110 on whole wheat
and 300 on white bread.
Fernandez wanted it on roll.
And one on roll.
And the tuna? All the tuna on whole wheat.
And all the bacon, lettuce and tomato, we're gonna have on toast.
All right.
And, uh, what to drink?
Let me have 700 regular coffees,
500 Cokes
and a thousand 7UPs.
And also, coleslaw for 900 men.
Right. You want anything with the sandwiches?
Uh, mayonnaise on the side.
Right.
Everything is ready, sir.
Which one is the roll? I have it right here.
What about the coleslaw? It's coming, sir.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Coleslaw, sir.
That'll be 24,000 pesos.
Get your money from Vargas. We're the rebels.
Let's go! Move this out! Come on!
(INAUDIBLE)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
While we carry out the diversionary raid,
you three will kidnap the British ambassador.
He will be held until Vargas agrees to free the sympathizers he has jailed.
I will drive.
You two will seize him.
And you will inject him with the sodium pentothal.
Now, once he's asleep, there will be no trouble.
Should they attack, our men are ready.
They are too weak to defeat me.
We have nothing to worry about, then.
We shall continue our policy of harassment.
Of course, if they are foolish enough to try to overthrow,
then I have made a deal
for reinforcements with the UJA.
You mean the CIA, Excellency.
The UJA is the United Jewish Appeal.
The United Jewish Appeal?
Uh-oh.
(INDISTINCT)
Anyone know where we're heading for?
I hear it's San Marcos.
Are we fighting for or against the government?
The CIA's not taking any chances this time.
Some of us are for and some of us are gonna be against them.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Hello? Hello, Miami?
Fontainebleau Hotel?
Listen, I want to make a reservation for one single room.
Yes.
What are your prices?
For a single room?
(CHEERING)
I can't believe that I'm finally going home.
Well, you have earned it.
Yeah, well, I'm going to miss everybody here.
Ah-ha!
Well, my friends, we have done it.
You have.
And you. All of us.
At last, this country can finally bask in the sunshine of a true democracy,
a land where no man is better than the next.
And there's equal opportunity for all and respect for law and order.
Right now, I am the law.
Yes, but soon we'll hold free elections, let the people choose their leaders,
and you can voluntarily step down,
and return to your simple farming and...
What's the matter? You look glassy-eyed.
These people are peasants.
They are too ignorant to vote.
I know, but they have common sense.
I am the ruler of this country.
There will be no elections until I decree it.
(CHEERING)
You're accused of killing over 1,000 people in your term of office,
of torturing hundreds of women and children.
How do you plead?
Guilty, with an explanation.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
MAN ON MEGAPHONE: Ready...
Aim, fire.
Let's see, 21. Where's 21?
MAN: Ready, aim, fire!
Hear me!
I am your new president.
From this day on,
the official language of San Marcos
will be Swedish.
Silence!
In addition to that,
all citizens will be required
to change their underwear
every half hour.
Underwear
will be worn on the outside,
so we can check.
Furthermore, all children
under 16 years old are now
16 years old.
What's the Spanish word for "straight jacket"?
Power has driven him mad.
We must have a new leader.
Another must represent the revolution immediately.
Like who?
There must be someone willing to put his life in peril,
and willing to carry on
against all the terrible hazards that await us.
I know you're gonna find the guy.
If you'll excuse me, I was due at my mother's house
for dinner eight months ago.
I'm going home.
No, the revolution will fail without you.
Why me?
Because the men respect you.
You always loved our cause.
Besides, compared to these men, you're educated.
What is this with my education? I had two days of college.
I need three years and 363 days to get a degree.
This is a country of peasants. At least you can read.
FIELDING: Fellas, I don't want to be president. You're making a big mistake.
You got to be smart to be a president.
Let me be vice-president. That's a real idiot's job.
You're looking at me in a strange way, fellas.
Look, I...
I'm going to be president, right?
(INAUDIBLE)
The Americans won't recognize us, 'cause they think we're communists.
The communists won't recognize us, 'cause they think we're American puppets.
The one person in the world who recognizes us was arrested yesterday on a morals charge.
We need money.
What is the chief export of San Marcos?
Dysentery.
We grow bananas.
Bananas! Bananas!
If I could only think of a way to convince the United States to give us money.
Get me Sanchez.
I don't know, my friend.
But without it, the revolution will fail.
A thousand will have died in vain,
and soon a new dictator will seize power.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? It's me.
Ah, yes. I'm perturbed over the economic situation.
You must go to the United States. You must convince them.
They will listen to you. Me?
You're the president of San Marcos.
Yes, over here, I'm president,
but over there, I'm a college dropout.
But they don't know. After all, senor Fielding Mellish is dead.
I can't hear you. I think we have a bad connection.
Hang up. I will call you back.
You know, I actually think that I probably could go to the United States and fake it.
I know you can do it, Fielding.
I'll bet that I could.
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
I am Mr. Hernandez, the official interpreter.
Welcome to the United States.
Welcome to United States.
Thank you. Thank you.
Did you have a good flight?
You had a good flight?
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
Well, we hope your stay in our country...
We hope your stay in our country...
...will be delightful. ...will be delightful.
I am looking forward to it...
...with great anticipation. ...with great anticipation.
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Get them out of here.
Get them out!
I'm Bill Simmons. This is Tom Sloan, FBI.
Mr. President. We're here to see that your safety's ensured.
We'll act as your shield in the event of trouble.
We missed him. We get most of them.
What am I appearing at a fund-raising dinner for?
I don't know the first thing about public speaking.
All you have to do is open up with a joke, a funny story.
Once you have them laughing, then you hit them for money.
It's very simple. Very simple,
open with a funny story, then hit them for money.
I'm reminded tonight of the,
of the farmer who had
incestuous relations
with both his daughters simultaneously and...
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
It's the wrong crowd for this joke.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Although, the United States is a very rich country,
and San Marcos is a very poor one,
there are a great many things we have to offer your country,
in return for aid.
For instance,
there are locusts.
We have more locusts than...
There are locusts of all races and creeds.
These locusts, incidentally
are available at popular prices.
So, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos.
Now, then...
Despite the tiny size of our nation,
few people realize that we lead the world in hernias.
They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country,
he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease,
which can today be cured with one shot of penicillin.
It's the same person, alright.
This whole thing smacks of conspiracy, if you ask me.
Do you realize what a communist missile base in San Marcos would do to us?
Plus, he has a history of subversive acts.
Demonstrations and peace marches.
This man is attempting the overthrow of the United States government,
from without and within.
All right. (SIGHING)
Let's pick him up. And throw the book at him.
We'll make an example of this
hepcat.
Hi, I hope I'm not being pushy, but I've always wanted to meet you.
I don't mean to bother you,
but I think that you're terrific.
Really terrific. And me and my friends
have backed you from the very beginning
of this career of yours.
And, we, I, I'm awestruck.
I really don't know what to say.
You know, it's very funny, but you remind me
of somebody that I once knew. A boy.
He was really... He was nothing like you.
I mean, you're terrific. He was just this little stupid clown.
You know, just, I don't know why I even mentioned it.
But he was, uh,
he was an idiot. You know, a real idiot.
Would you mind if I kissed you?
Once?
Could I kiss you once?
NANCY: Oh, that was wonderful.
It was practically a religious experience.
FIELDING: I have a confession to make.
What, love?
I'm Fielding Mellish.
Oh, my God.
I knew something was missing.
Good evening. I'm Roger Grimsby with the news at 6:00.
Today's top stories, the United States government
brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor.
New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage.
And the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing.
Details on these and other stories in a moment.
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Fielding Mellish, the president of San Marcos
goes on trial tomorrow for fraud,
inciting to riot, conspiracy to overthrow the government,
and using the word "thighs" in mixed company.
Please rise. Court is now in session.
Judge Seymour Watson presiding.
The People v. Fielding Mellish.
I object, Your Honor! This trial is a travesty.
It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery
of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.
I move for a mistrial.
You realize there's not a single homosexual on that jury.
Yes, there is. Oh, really? Which one?
Is it the big guy at the end?
(POUNDS GAVEL)
Call the first witness.
And you remember Fielding Mellish?
He's got a record.
He was always being picked up at one demonstration or another.
He's a bad apple, a commie.
A New York Jewish intellectual communist crackpot.
I mean, I don't want to cast no aspersions.
Your witness.
Officer Doud...
Have you ever had sexual relations with a girl with really big breasts?
Yes, sir, I did. Mmm-hmm.
And how did you find it?
Very erotic.
I was just checking.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I do.
Name? J. Edgar Hoover.
Occupation?
Head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Will you tell the court why you're dressed like this?
I have many enemies, and I rarely go out unless I'm in disguise.
Mr. Hoover, in your opinion,
is Fielding Mellish a threat to the security of the United States?
Enough to have his phone tapped.
(PHONE RINGING ON TAPE)
WOMAN: Hello?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Hello, who is this?
(HEAVY BREATHING CONTINUES)
Who is this?
Hello?
Can you hold on one second?
Walter, it's for you!
All right, I did it!
I did it! I'm guilty!
But I couldn't take it anymore.
She kept tormenting me,
edging me on,
making a fool of me!
Isn't this Epstein v. Epstein?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years,
and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
Would the clerk read that statement back, please?
"I have known Fielding Mellish for years,
"and he is a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
You're out of order.
Name? Sharon Craig.
And you are?
Miss America.
(SINGING IN ITALIAN)
Tell the court why you think he is a traitor to this country.
I think Mr. Mellish is a traitor to this country,
because his views are different from the views of the President,
and others of his kind.
Differences of opinion should be tolerated,
but not when they're too different.
Then he becomes a subversive mother.
Call Fielding Mellish.
Mr. Mellish, what is your nationality?
Well, you might say I have two nationalities.
Are you being coy?
Well, I am an American citizen and also the president of San Marcos.
I would not joke with this court, if I were you.
Wouldn't you, or couldn't you?
That's enough.
Does the code name "Sapphire" mean anything to you?
It doesn't, I swear to God.
You swear to God, and yet you have no compunction about teaching evolution.
Where were you on the night of June 23rd?
(FIELDING PANTING)
Since you cannot resist disrupting the court,
I order the marshal to bind and gag you.
And so you followed Fielding Mellish,
and overheard him make treasonous remarks about this country?
I did.
Your witness.
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
Yes, I did.
No.
I don't remember.
No.
Don't put words in my mouth!
(CRYING) Yes!
Yes, it's true!
I lied!
Ladies and gentlemen, you will retire for your verdict.
Good evening. I'm Roger Grimsby with the news at 6:00.
A verdict has been reached in the Fielding Mellish case.
I'll have details in one moment.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
(COUGHS)
Stick in your throat, son?
These cigarettes, Father.
What brand are you smoking?
These.
Those are for sinners.
Oh?
What you should try is New Testament cigarettes.
They've got that revolutionary incense filter.
I'll try one.
What do you think?
Good flavor. Smooth, too.
Stick to New Testament cigarettes and all is forgiven.
Thank you, Father.
New Testament cigarettes.
I smoke them.
He smokes them.
Fielding Mellish was found guilty today, on 12 counts of treason,
and was sentenced to 15 years in prison.
The judge suspended the sentence in return for the promise,
that Mellish will not move into his neighborhood.
Nancy, now that this whole thing is over,
do you think there's any possibility that maybe the two of us could get married?
Oh, I'd love to.
If you're going to fool around with women's lib,
you're gonna need somebody to support you.
Fielding, do you love me?
Of course, I love you.
No, but do you love me? You know what I mean?
Yes, I love you. I love you.
Can you like, define the meaning of love?
What do you mean? I love you.
I want you, in a way of cherishing
your totality and your otherness,
and in the sense of a presence and of being,
and a whole coming and a going in a room with grapefruit,
and a love of a thing of nature,
and a sense of not wanting or being jealous
of the thing that a person possesses.
Do you have any gum?
Good evening.
Wide World of Sports is here in the Royal Manhattan Hotel
for a live, on-the-spot telecast of the Fielding Mellish honeymoon night.
Mellish and his new bride were married this morning in a civil ceremony
in downtown Manhattan.
The bride wore the traditional virginal white, as did Mellish.
Following that, they had dinner,
and are both now ready for the consummation of their marriage.
The turnout has been gigantic.
And here for a play-by-play description is Howard Cosell.
Take it away, Howard.
You join us with the action just about to start.
Yes, indeed. Here comes the bride.
She's got a lot of fans here.
They are tense, but they swelled to a tremendous cheer.
As I think is apparent, she is in very good physical condition.
And here comes Mellish!
Listen to that crowd roar.
He's wearing a green corduroy suit,
jogging and bobbing down the aisle,
buttressed by his trainer and his handlers.
(BELL DINGING) The action has started.
They approach one another cautiously.
Nothing unique about that.
Now, Mellish begins to make his moves and so does Nancy.
The two are working together closely, the action growing more rigorous.
It is swift, rhythmic, coordinated.
What's that? A cut over Mellish's right eye.
The doctor comes in to examine the cut.
No, it will not be stopped.
It continues, I tell you ladies and gentlemen, although you can see for yourselves,
I have never seen action like this.
That's it. It's over.
It's all over. The marriage has been consummated.
Nancy and Fielding Mellish,
in the most real sense, are now man and wife.
And if it's humanly possible, I'm going to break through these fans,
to talk to the two.
Excuse me. Excuse me?
Nancy, I know that this is very personal, but...
Hello, Howard. Was it everything you expected?
Well, it all went by so fast. I had no idea it would be so quick.
I was expecting a longer bout.
No difficulties of any kind?
Well, as you know...
I'm extraordinarily ticklish.
So I had kind of a rough time there. I couldn't stop laughing.
I thought it would get in my way, but I really trained well for this,
and I think it, sort of, held me.
So there really wasn't any time I didn't feel in complete control.
How about you, Fielding? I was concerned about that cut.
I thought they might stop the action. Did you have that feeling?
Yes, I was, Howard, I thought I'd have to finish it up quick,
'cause I thought the referee might come in and stop it.
I knew I was leading at that point,
and I was hoping that they'd let me go all the way and they did.
No disappointments at all?
Well, I had heard that he would be in great, great shape,
and I felt that he wasn't,
that he could use a little seasoning.
The timing was a little off.
But I think he'll be fine. He's not the worst I've had.
Not the best, but not the worst.
Are you offended by what Nancy just said, Fielding?
Well, I'm not offended, but I don't agree with that.
I was in great shape. I thought I had her in real trouble,
with a right-hand upper...
You know, I was in good form. My breathing was good.
I've been training very hard for this, and I gave 100%.
When do you anticipate your next bout?
I think we can probably do this again in the late spring.
Your comment? The late spring?
I think I'll be ready by the late spring. I'd like...
As long as the late spring? Yes.
I think we should leave the happy couple on that note.
It's hard to tell what may happen in the future...
(INDISTINCT)
...but they may live happily ever after. Again, they may not.
Be assured of this, though, wherever the action is,
we will be there with ABC's Wide World of Sports to cover it.
Now, on behalf of Nancy and Fielding Mellish,
and all of the others who have made this possible,
this is Howard Cosell thanking you for joining us,
and wishing you a most pleasant good night.
♫ 'Cause I believe in loving ♫
♫ Some people take me for a fool ♫
♫ 'Cause I believe in giving ♫
♫ They seem to take me for a fool ♫
♫ 'Cause I believe in sunshine ♫
♫ And things I never learned in school ♫
♫ Take me Take me ♫
♫ And you'll make me ♫
♫ So glad to be so foolish ♫
♫ So take me for a fool ♫